Birthday blues….

It’s been awhile since my last blog post and even longer since a personal post. I have been going back and forth about doing a blog post right now because this is a hard time of the year for me the last couple years.

You see we are just about 3 weeks away from Brodyn’s 4th birthday and while I celebrate and LOVE that day, it has been hard the last couple years. It’s common for parents to look back and think wow where has the time gone and then smile and celebrate the year to come. But when you are a parent o a child with Autism sometimes it can be hard to look back and celebrate the year that has passed.

For me when I say I want the time to slow down I mean it in a different way. My son is almost 4 and with each passing year he falls further behind his peers. When he was turning two and wasn’t speaking and we were getting him evaluated for Autism I was able to handle that because he was only 2 and I truly believed that getting him the diagnosis and getting him into therapy would help him catch up to his peers.

But now he isn’t almost 4 and still not talking and although he has come a LONG way he is still so behind. So it is hard to think about another year passing without an “I love you mom” or any other form of communication.

Can I hold on to the positives? Most days yes I can but sometimes it’s so hard to stay positive when all you want to do is help your child not have to struggle so hard. I wrote a list on Brodyn’s 3rd birthday of all the things I wanted him to accomplish before 4, and although he has done a lot of them the two biggest ones we are no where near.

I want so badly for him to be able to tell me if he is hurting, happy, or mad. I want to know what he wants to do or what his all time favorite meal is. I want to be able to take him on special mommy and me dates for ice cream or whatever he chooses. But right now these things aren’t in our lives. And although I know him better than anyone I struggle. I struggle because I love him more than life itself and want to take away all his struggles and pain.

So another year older and still CLAWING for EVERY little bit of success for Brodyn, but I will NEVER give up hope. I will NEVER give up fighting for him and helping him. And most importantly I will never stop loving him. So this year I’m not going to beat myself up for being sad or feeling like I didn’t do enough. I’m going to spend this time feeling my feelings and come the big day that he turns 4, I will be the proudest happiest mother you will ever are. Because I will be able to look back and know how hard we have worked to get here and can be proud!

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