I have been a mom for almost 4 years now and let me tell you it has been a major rollercoaster of emotions. I always say NOTHING beats that moment when you are done laboring for hours and hours and you finally get to hold your baby. I still can still go back to those days and memories of the first time I held both my boys and I do it often as it is my happy place. When you first hold them, kiss them, and study every small detail of them, it’s like the world doesn’t exist besides the two of you at that moment. You are able to block out everything and every worry that is soon to come.
But that moment, though forever in your heart, is not something that stays long and soon the worry starts. I don’t know when it happened for me but at some point after becoming a mother I quickly started to fear so much. Fear the basics like I don’t want to do anything stupid that could kill me and leave my child without a mother. Fear that they aren’t eating or sleeping enough. Fear that you will screw them up while trying your best to make these choices for another human being that you didn’t realize would be so hard. And just everyday fear.
I have always been a planner and a “why girl” (that name was given to me by my parents when I was a child because I had to know everything) I need to know everything. But when you have children there aren’t always answers and that is hard for me. When your child is born with a CMN and there is no answers to why he was born with it or how it happens it’s hard to swallow the unknown. When your child is diagnosed with Autism which in itself is a word of “uggghhhh IDK” it is impossible for a black and white thinker like myself.
But you do the best you can with what you have am I right? It took me years to finally feel like I could leave my kids for any amount of time and get away. I would leave the boys with my husband to go to my doctor appts or to go do something really quick, but to leave the boys with a babysitter or even family took a lot of time. You see Jordan and I run a very routine household for our boys. It really helps my oldest with his autism and it helps my youngest grow and succeed as well. So the idea of leaving for a date night or anything where we both were together had me scared that all our hard work would be thrown away.
I remember the first time we went on a date for a couple hours when we lived in Germany and my parents watched the boys. I was so crazy about leaving them that I only agreed to do it if we left after we put the boys to sleep. So we put them to bed and then left the house for a Christmas party for my husbands work which we were late to. We had a pretty good time although I kept texting to check in on my boys lol. But when we returned from the party a couple hours later we came home changed and then all of a sudden our oldest was awake and puking. First time he had ever had the flu (and only time) so we went from a date night to a sick child up all night. Now I know that it had nothing to do with us leaving the house because soon after my parents, my youngest, and myself all had the flu, but it was hard to come home and feel like I neglected my child. So it was a long time until we tried that again.
Once we moved to Colorado and got settled in my husband started to push for more time together alone so I started the process of finding someone who could regularly watch the boys so they became close with them as well as so I could trust them. I literally interviewed, ran background checks, as well as driving records before I picked someone. After finding the right fit for our family I then paid this person multiple times to just come hangout with us and “train” to be our sitter.
So fast forward to present day and I guess I started this who post to talk about the fact that now I have time to myself if wanted, all I feel when I leave and do something is guilt. I left the house the other day to play bingo for a couple hours and looked at my phone pictures of the boys the whole time and felt like crap. I then returned home early and played with the boys while our sitter was still here and being paid because I felt so bad. I struggle ALL the time with leaving my kids and literally cry when I do and I don’t know if that will ever change.